Pasting on the smile :)

It's been a while since I've written anything on here.   A few things have been put into my computers memory never to make it to this page, but not enough typing and unloading what's been on my heart.  My recent struggle is with the perception of, what I'm going to call the outward appearance.  By this, I mean, that pasted on smile when things are broken and empty inside.  It's kind of a different way to look at 1 Samuel 16:7 

The LORD does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.”


I have felt, all too many times, the fear that I am so alone.  I don't mean without God, but I mean without people.  Something Josh McDowell said last week, at a meeting in Kingston really stood out to me.  He said that Jesus is not all we need.  Certainly, for salvation, Jesus IS all we need.  But to live, we NEED people, we need, the body of Christ.  He pointed out examples in scripture as well to back this up, with the disciples, even during the missionary journeys they were teamed up and truly sought fellowship with other believers.  But...what I'm getting to is, sometimes that fellowship only seems to go to the point of "outward appearance."   It is so wonderful to know that God knows my heart, that He knows the things that I struggle with, the loneliness I feel.  He knows what brings me joy and peace.  There are, however, so many times when I just long for more of that in my relationships everyday.  That closeness that goes beyond the appearance and gets deep into the heart where hurts and pains get dug up so there is room for growth.  Part of the difficulty there is making myself vulnerable, and open to not only be loved, but be hurt.  To realize that these hurts and pains I have, others have too. To know that people will fail me, as I have failed others.  Praise God!  That He never fails us, that His love us never ending, that He knows our hearts, and that He really does provide all that we need, when we need it.  
There have been so many times that I have cried out to God, please Lord, bring me someone, anyone, I feel so alone.  And He does.   

So, all in all, I'm not perfect, I'm a sinner saved by grace.  I hurt.  I need people, I need that body of believers.   I've been learning more and more what that means.  Coming to the cross for forgiveness and love is the hope that we have in life.  Holding each other up, and putting others before ourselves brings that joy and comfort, knowing we're not alone.  As I continue to learn and grow, it seems the pain of feeling let down doesn't get easier, but maybe that's a good thing, so I can see the importance of it from the other side.  Also realizing once again that God is consistent, never failing, and always looking at our heart.  He loves and shows us how to love.

A look at the heart

1 Samuel 16:7

But the Lord said to Samuel, “Do not look on his appearance or on the height of his stature, because I have rejected him. For the Lord sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart.”

I wish I could look at the heart, automatically, without looking at any outward appearances.  Praise God that He looks at our heart....although sometimes that's not quite where it should be...but He is gracious, I'm learning God's grace. 

A lot of times when I hear this passage being talked about it is referenced to age, and not being too young to live for God, or too old in the same way....but, regardless of age, we as humans, at least I, as a human, find it very difficult to think and look first at the heart of someone or even something as more important or more quickly than the outward appearance.  I'm even thinking of a mango...kind of strange but I was getting groceries and mangos are so tricky because all you can see is the outward appearance...you can feel if it is tender or not, but sometimes it is too tender and you can't tell the difference, or it feels tender, but it's really not the best it can be yet!  I haven't yet mastered the art of finding the perfect mango, but when I get one...ohhhh it's so good :)

Anyway, I think about that with people sometimes, and how such different personalities can really either let you in, or really leave you with an impression that may not be what is really on the inside.  I know myself, I sometimes seem very quiet and reserved, and sometimes I certainly am!  But people who really know me, often think the opposite, that I'm not very reserved, a strong leader and...not very quiet!  I don't necessarily try to behave or act differently, it's just a different comfort level, or something, I haven't quite figured myself out yet...but I'm glad that God knows who I am, He sees my heart and it doesn't really bother Him if I'm having a bad hair day or my clothes don't match or I really can't think of anything to say, He knows my heart and He loves me.

This is something I really want to do.  I really want to love like God loves, to love and know people's hearts and not judge by outward appearances!  Ah this journey.... :)

Soak it Up

Deuteronomy 32

 ¹ Listen, you heavens, and I will speak;
   hear, you earth, the words of my mouth.
² Let my teaching fall like rain
   and my words descend like dew,
like showers on new grass,
   like abundant rain on tender plants.
 ³ I will proclaim the name of the LORD.
   Oh, praise the greatness of our God!
⁴ He is the Rock, his works are perfect,
   and all his ways are just.
A faithful God who does no wrong,
   upright and just is he.

Everything seems so fresh and new...aside from the fallen trees and some power outages...but the smells, the sounds, the breeze, it's all crisp and clean.  My garden is well watered, the heat has subsided, and God is GOOD.

Sometimes storms can be troubling, stressful, perhaps make us feel anxious, but it's that peaceful calm after the storm, the smells, the fresh, crisp, clean air that overtakes everything so beautifully. 
I don't really know where I'm going with this aside from, God's ways are perfect, there are storms, and there are calms, if His teaching falls like rain, we need to soak it up for all it's work and GROW from it!  God IS faithful and He does no wrong, His name is to be praised!  PRAISE GOD!

Am I growing? Am I soaking up the teaching from God that He pours down like rain?  Sometimes His teaching is so gentle, and other times, like todays storm, it comes violently, rushing and blowing with intensity that gets our attention!  God longs for us to desire Him, to Know Him, so Serve Him, to Love Him...we must soak Him up so we can Grow, so we can Love...praise God for His goodness, praise God for His grace!

It's the little things ... that make a difference... :)

Matthew 6:31-32Do not worry then, saying, 'What will we eat?' or 'What will we drink?' or 'What will we wear for clothing?' For the Gentiles eagerly seek all these things; for your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things.
Ok, so I really like to be doing things, to have projects and...sometimes, I'll admit, do too much, anyway, that's for another time.  I finished teaching music lessons for the year last Thursday, had the final recital on Friday and thought oh no! Now what am I going to do! (besides homeschool, teach and hang out with Lilly our exchange student from Korea, do youth group and the highschool group, etc....) so, I thought, Hey! I'll renovate the kitchen!  Great idea right?!!!  Tim of course was thrilled! Ha...but he actually did get on board and ripped the counter tops off...(wasn't in my plan....) so, we're doing the kitchen...up to our elbows, so to speak, in the work load....no stove, fridge is in a different room, barely a table, floors are covered with cupboard doors in three rooms....ect....and I realize...I can't bake!  I can't cook very much....but I can't bake!  We bake quite a lot in our home, cookies, bread, muffins, granola, something, anything!  So, I tried to remind myself, it's ok, you wanted to do the kitchen, it won't be forever, not baking is OK!

But here's the cool part, where God just shows His love, His overflow...Philippians says, "And my God will supply all your needs according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus." and I KNOW baking is not a need...but it's according to HIS riches, and anyway, His overflow today.  So, someone came to my house just after 12PM with a bag of cookies, she was intending to give them to another family but they had already left (sorry Crumps...they are good:) and thought we might enjoy them - of course they are Rachel's favourite cookie!  I was amazed at how God gave us these just after I thought I couldn't bake...but there's more!  Tonight we went to a Pampered Chef party and I was picking Kourtney up and her mom said, hey, we made you some cookies, for your family!  Now Matthew isn't very fond of ginger cookies - the previous ones, but these were chocolate chip - his favourite!  How wonderful is God to bless so abundantly at times when we don't need or deserve anything, but just because He loves us.

And how great it is too when we are obedient to Him.  Sometimes we don't know the impact our obedience to Christ has on others.  It doesn't often seem like a big deal for us to give a friend/neighbour some cookies, but to them, it may be a sign of God's abounding love!

I must end with the lyrics to a JJ Heller song, since her music fills our home.

Little Things

There are not enough minutes in the day
I am crippled by the thought of wasting time
I don’t have enough money to heal the poor
So I don’t want to try

But it’s the little things that make a difference
It’s the little things that show love
It’s the little things
A simple cup of water that can change the world
That can save our sons and daughters

I’ll be praying for the widow all alone
Sewing clothes for a loaf of bread
It is not my fault that she is hungry
It’s my joy to make sure she’s fed

CHORUS

We are all related, children of the King
We may not have much, but what we have we bring

Transparent

²⁷ But you remain the same,
   and your years will never end.
                                  Psalm 102:27

My mind is a jumble of thoughts that need to be "spewed" or "purged" out!  And, as has been confirmed a few times yesterday, this is a good and healthy thing to do.  So...here goes!

I am not perfect.  I am not even close to being perfect.  Ah, how refreshing :)  Of course I already knew this, but sometimes people get these ideas of what someone else's life is like, and how they must feel and live, and see them as "perfect."   I know I've got a couple of people in that category in my mind, but, alas, that only sets them up for disappointment in my mind.  God does tell us in Matthew 5:48 to be perfect as our Heavenly Father is perfect...but I don't know anyone who has truly reached that aside from Jesus Christ.

One of the biggest struggles I have I guess is having that transparent relationship with people, where they see the real you AND you see the real them.  Sometimes it works half way, but half way just doesn't work...to build that trust, to lack the fear, and to have the confidence to have relationships like that is really difficult, but so necessary and beneficial.  This is something I need but don't always feel I have. 

It was interesting to look up the definition for transparent  ...  here is what I found...

1.  having the property of transmitting rays of light through its substance so that bodies situated beyond or  behind can be distinctly seen.

2. admitting the passage of light through interstices.

3. so sheer as to permit light to pass through; diaphanous.'

I guess to think of having a transparent life and transparent relationships would really require THE Light of the World.(John 8:12)..so allowing Jesus to shine through us.

Sometimes I don't put God where He deserves to be, I put Him at my level instead of seeing myself in His eyes...praise God that He loves me despite my weaknesses, that His strength is made perfect in my weakness!(2 Corinthians 2:19)  In the book Crazy Love I like what Francis Chan says..."If my mind is the size of a soda can and God is the size of all the oceans, it would be stupid for me to say He is only the small amount of water I can scoop into my little can." (p.32)

Ok, so slightly scatted thoughts put together here, but...I need to be transparent,  I need REAL relationships, I need Christ's light to shine, and I need to see through HIS perspective, not see Him through mine.  I don't think that's where I was headed orginially, but that was a nice, refreshing journey right there....

Practicing LOVE

³² “If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners love those who love them. ³³ And if you do good to those who are good to you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners do that. ³⁴ And if you lend to those from whom you expect repayment, what credit is that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners, expecting to be repaid in full. ³⁵ But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be children of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked. ³⁶ Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful."

                                                                                                                                            Luke 6:32-36

So, we had a....sometimes re-occuring talk today in our home, and once again I realized how I can not and could never parent without all of who God is.  I can't imagine being a mom, a wife, a....human!  and not have the strength, love, power, wisdom, grace, mercy, joy, etc. etc. etc.  of GOD!

Part of my learning for today was how real adoption is, and some of the real situations that come along with it, even after 4 + years...and I'm sure will continue in various ways.  The Bible talks about adoption in Romans, Galatians and Ephesians in terms of us being adopted to sonship through Jesus Christ.  What a beautiful picture that creates, and even more so, what a great example that we can look to.

The greatest example is of Christ's love.  When I stepped back from the conversation today and just took a few minutes to pray, I was overwhelmed with the wisdom to love, to practice love.  This became the challenge to follow the great talk we were having.  Let's love each other deliberately 5 times each day (of course more is wonderful) but to focus on loving, doesn't leave a lot of room for false words, thoughts, or negative actions.

When Jesus says to love our enemies, and love our neighbours as ourselves, it's next to impossible to do that with fear, or hate, or anger, or frustration in your heart.  Love takes up all the space there is.  So, practicing love, even in just the second half of the day today, makes a BIG change on attitudes, actions, facial expressions :) words, and ...well...everything!  Practice love - Jesus's way.

Who are you reflecting?

" And you should imitate me, just as I imitate Christ." 
                                                        1 Corinthians 11:1

It's so easy for me to imitate an accent I hear if it different than the way I speak.  Usually I do this without thinking about it, or purposefully doing it.  There are definitely funny memories with a couple of different friends in different places where this has happened...in the States or Quebec....!  Anyway, I sometimes can take on an imitation of those I'm around. 

I know I have seen/heard/ probably experienced this in terms of actions and attitudes as well, whether the person being imitated is "real" or a "celebrity" of sorts.  It seems to be a teen/tween thing to do, find someone you like, or most other people you hang out with like, and try to be like them, know everything about them and imitate them.  And sometimes....usually sadly...they do very well at this.

I recently watched the movie Soul Surfer.  And there is a girl whose life it would be great for my daughter to imitate, because that girl imitated Christ. 

Am I, as a parent, as a friend, as a teacher, as a leader, as a wife...imitating Christ.  Is His the reflection that is seen through me....there is a song that I love by Philips. Craig& Dean- I Want to Be Just Like You.

The chorus says this,

Lord, I want to be just like You

Cause he wants to be just like me

I want to be a holy example for his innocent eyes to see

Help me be a Living Bible, Lord

That my little boy can read

I want to be just like You

Cause he wants to be like me

 It's a big job, but it also is a choice.  To reflect Christ, or to live for my self.